Out of the mud

This week I struggled with anxiety.

I spent days wondering “Will anything I’m doing pay off?”

Artistically, noticeably, financially.

It made me feel stale. My mind trudged in mud. I was grasping for Friday then berating myself for living for the weekend when I know very well everyday is to be desired.

Admittedly, I was rattled by examples of people around me for whom their big plans have already worked out and I began demanding my full circle moment.

Where’s my payoff for staying true?

On Thursday, I heard someone say that tortoises win not through speed or pace, but by simply not stopping.

Fuck.

The person went on to suggest that “We need only concern ourselves with process and craft. The calendar and the outcome should be discarded.”

I knew all of this already. Why do I keep falling into the same hole?

My partner was also going through a rough week. “I know these thoughts aren’t real, why do I keep falling for them?” She blurted out one afternoon.

It’s our wiring. We cannot escape our human condition; wanting to know now, and without a doubt that we are going to win.

Learning to continue despite doubt takes a lot of reps to master.

On that Thursday afternoon I worked on a plan for releasing a short story I’ve been sitting on. By Friday night I’d written music for it, and by Saturday I had created visuals for the release. It lifted me out of my funk.

Action stirs the mud.

Here's how I spent my week:

Writing: 7h

Writing Related: 4h Total Writing/Website ecosystem: 11h

Playing Music: 3.5h

Music Admin: 4hr